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So I was working today..and my boss, Scott - the one with the weird cancer is just talking on and on about how he's going to deal with it. I keep thinking to myself...sheesh I have no idea what I would do in his place. I might curl up in a ball and just give up - don't know. I want to think that I have strength, but really, who knows. I think to myself 'he doesn't know if he'll be alive in two weeks..." It's shocking just to think that - I mean, I know that none of us know if we'll be alive in a week, but you don't imagine that you're going to have a surgery in less than two weeks and who knows how it will go. What if he doesn't wake up? What if the cancer is more invasive than they thought? They're doing this thing called a 'shake and bake' where after the surgeon opens the abdominal cavity and removes the cancer - mucosa - they fill the cavity with a heated chemotherapy chemical and rock the body back and forth manually to like slosh the chemo around inside the abdomen. That's supposed to get all of the stray cancer cells. How freaky is that???? WTF???? Does it sound like a great technological advancement??? Pour the chemo in and shake it up???? I'm so freaked out. I've been in medicine for almost 15 years and sometimes I truly wonder what the fuck are we doing??? I mean if something GOD FORBID happens to Jess - are they going to be able to fix it?



Are we like walking around just hoping that nothing too serious comes up in our lives so that we don't end up in the operating room with chemo in our abdomen and two guys rocking us back and forth to swish it around?? I'm so freaked out - it's just shocking that this is happening. Yesterday - Scott's kids were little girls and their biggest problem was taking horse-back riding lessons or ice-skating lessons. Truly - I mean I've known this family for almost ten years. I've watched them grow up, I've been with the business since it was me and Scott on most days and the phone barely rang. Now - sheesh who knows what will happen.



You see? That's the thing, I don't know what will happen, and that's what's driving me crazy. His wife asked me today if I would cut my schedule back a little since we're going to be short our main technician - and since they are going to be very tight on money. I don't have a problem with it - I'm kind of looking forward to being home a little more - but I'm scared for them. I am afraid - because Maria depends on Scott and EVERYTHING depends on him getting better soon. If something happens to him - the business won't survive, and how will Maria and the girls manage? How will I manage? Ack...I'm obsessing again. I hate being a grown-up. Things are not easy any more, and everything is so serious. Everything.

Ok so wish me luck - I'm going to get through today - because that's what you do, right? Then I'll try to get through tomorrow. Wish me luck.

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sweetblooded
20:31 May 26 2008

good luck I know how you feel you just have to live hour by hour and hope you have more good hours then bad ones.

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Sinora
22:03 May 26 2008

Good luck.

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I feel better if I get all of this stuff out of my head and onto paper - or computer or whatever. I feel so lonely today - like it's the end of something. Ever feel that way?



I feel like everything is changing today. Like this house is so silent, with my son and husband asleep and I almost want to wake them up to keep me company. I'm such a nut. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow, but I know in my head that if I do - I'll feel a little better. It will feel normal. ACK ... now I'm like rambling. I don't know how to explain myself.



Have you ever felt scared for no apparent reason? Anxious - but you don't know why? I feel like the bottom will fall out from under me at any second. It's retarded, but I can't help it. In a few days I'll probably not even remember feeling this way... what I really want is stability. That's exactly it. I want my world to be steady and stable as a rock. Good luck with that huh?

I must....sound insane anyway. Who worries like this??? I get this feeling like there's some sort of "bad thing looming over me." That's exactly how it feels. Like the wind is blowing terrible things my way. Like I'll get through the day and the phone will ring and suddenly my world will be changed forever. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS. I wonder if anyone else is this nuts?



Blah...I just want things to be right...like steady and even and normal. I love normal. I like my little routines, I go to work on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday - and then I'm off on Friday and Sat and Sun. I work the carriages on the weekend - do some weddings and some bridal shows...I love that. We take the boat out some Fridays.



Why do things have to get bumpy? I just want my life to be normal. I know that sounds boring, but you get to a certain point and you just want normal. I'm old enough to know that I don't need chaos to be thrilled. I love my simple little life. Please let it stay ....

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deathnitegrl
19:54 May 26 2008

I agree I prefer to live a normal routine life then one full of chaos, it would make me feel safe.



But we can't control everything in life and it has it's ups and downs.

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I am scared. I have this problem with anxiety, it's the dumbest thing in the world, but for some reason, I can't shut my head off. We've been home for a week, it was our big vacation - 11 days without work - YAY. So on Friday, my first day off, I have a doctor's appointment - yay the Gyn, yuck. So I get that over with. Then Saturday we actually have to work a wedding (which is a long story that I'll tell when I feel a little more brave). So then Sunday we plan to take the boat out - but the weather is too windy. It was disappointing - we just have a little Carolina Skiff, but I love that boat. We've done a ton of scalloping and diving from it. It feels like home to me.



On Monday, me and my mother and my husband and my smooch - Jesse who is two, go all the way to Sea World in Orlando. And it's hot as hell there, full of people. We get to the Sea Lion and Otter show - that was hilarious. Then the Whale and Dolphin Theater, also really really great. Then finally Shamu. And Jesse is totally and completely asleep by the time we hit Shamu, so he misses the big whale completely. Imagine us, hot and exhausted - and I've been feeding everyone graham crackers and water all day - trying to keep them going without getting sick from the heat. My husband starts to feel sick. We leave the park and head for something to eat. Jess is sleeping in the truck, my mother is sniping at my husband, I'm driving through unfamiliar Orlando in rush hour traffic on a Monday afternoon in a Ford F350 Dually Diesel which is a 5 speed manual. PIcTURE IT. Ack....



I am thinking to myself, please please please let me find somewhere to eat that's quick and not disgusting. So we end up at this crap hole of a Denny's. Nobody really feels good at this point - the husband is actually talking about going to the hospital. They haven't really eaten much but crackers all day - NOT THAT I DIDN'T OFFER!! So everyone gets grilled cheese sandwiches and starts to feel a little better. We finally get home and we all get hit with the GIANT flu. I mean, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, sore throat - misery. Except for Jess - who is healthy as a horse and running around like a typical two-year-old. So from Tuesday until today - which is Memorial Day, we've had our fantastic vacation. With just enough energy to get out of bed and take medicine and feed the animals and then crawl back into bed. It's been terrible. I feel like crying. I wanted to go boating and to the zoo and take Jesse to the Florida Aquarium. Instead he had to sit around with his mom and dad while we coughed and hacked and moaned.



Today, the very last day of my vacation, we dragged ourselves out to the Giant flea market and antique mall in Webster. It was hot and crowded and we still feel like crap - so we're home now. Dad and Jess are napping and I'm too sad to sleep. I feel so down. Back to work tomorrow and ack.....



My boss, I've worked there for seven years now- in vascular ultrasound, he just got diagnosed with this weird PMP "jelly belly" cancer. It's freaky because he's only 43 and the whole thing is so scary. Literally scary - read about it on line. It's shocking. So my husband is self employed, he makes good money, but all of our health insurance goes through my job. And I don't know what's going to happen with my job. I don't know if Scott will make it through the surgery - and then we have to somehow get charts back and forth to him at the hospital? I'm not even sure how it will work out. What if I lose my job? Then we lose our health insurance. What if something happens to my husband - how will we survive. See how crazy I am? Scott's scheduled for the surgery for PMP on the 5th or 6th of June, whatever that first Friday is. What if he doesn't survive? The business can't go without him, he's the lead tech and the owner. Where will I find another job right now? We live in a small town and there's not much here. Plus, I have a two-year-old son - how will we pay for everything?? I'm freaking out... truly. I can't stop obsessing about how bad things can turn out. I wish I could.



I don't mention it to my husband, I don't want him to feel bad or freak out or whatever. I try to keep my stupid worrying to myself. How long would I last on unemployment? How much can I at least insure my son and husband for? Can I get a health insurance policy that we can afford? I mean, I can pay for the routine stuff, but what if someone breaks a leg? Do I sound as looney as I feel?



Then, just the thought of heading back to work makes me feel so wistful and sad. Like I'm missing minutes with my son. ack...I'm going to shut up now...sorry.......